Sometimes I wonder whether it was a dream I saw in the middle of a summer night. But then dying pieces of memories around me, remind me that it wasn't a dream. It really happened and you were a part of me. Then suddenly you weren't there anymore. I felt so incomplete and fragile. You were like a shield, covering me from the outside world. Protecting me from every possible thing. Then one day that shield was no longer there. I felt so naked. So small.
It never occurred to me that I would have to live without you. We were always busy and on a schedule. In that schedule, we never had a time to sit down and think what if one of us had to leave soon? We never thought it was possible. We took everything for granted, I say.
You remember how we were when we first met? So innocent and so energetic. We did things others only imagined doing. We got drunk on the beach and slept till the sun comes up. "When the first rays of sun hit my face, I felt alive" you said to me.
I dared you, you can't kiss a man, but then I had to kiss you, because I lost the bet. It was the first time we kissed. I have been waiting for that kiss so I was happy that I lost the bet. We kissed a thousand times after that. But none of those times can beat the first time. We both knew it was not a payment for a bet, but something we both wanted for a long time. I don't remember anything about that day, what clothes I wore, what colour were they, nada. But I remember how I felt when you kissed me for the first time. I looked into your eyes and lost myself forever.
Beach, that was our favourite spot. White sand, sun, water and cool breeze. All the elements were there. One day lying on white sand you asked, "How would you feel if I asked you to be my wife?". That's how you proposed to me. No ring, no standing in knee, no violins, but it felt perfect. You know why, because that's what I wanted. You knew me well enough not to do anything fancy.
Three month later I went to Mrs. from Miss. and that night you hugged me tight and said "angel, don't even think of leaving me now. I gave up on my single life and I don't want to be single ever again.." I promise you, but as usual I forgot to make you promise me.
Our plan was to travel the world once we were married. At first we decided we need to settle down a bit, before go anywhere. In the second year, work was too much in office and we thought we have time. In the third year, we lost her, a small tiny creature who was suppose to come to us. the time stayed still for no-one and it was the fifth year of our marriage.
One cold night I woke up to a phone call, just to hear that you have been an accident. The life I knew has come to an end. The life I shared with you. Greetings in the morning, two mugs of coffee, bathroom traffic, complains of ironing shirts, everything was gone. No more arguments over bills not being paid, no more fights over the remote controller or make up gifts for words shot across the hall.
It's been months now. I still can't believe how this happened, but again that is life when we take it for granted. I quit my job at the firm and collected all my money. I sold the house. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm not going to take it for granted anymore. I wanted to tell you, that you aren't really gone. A part of you are growing inside me. I'm going to take that part with me around the world. We are going to see the world and I'll figure out what I'm going to do as I'm going. Because life is too short to figure out and start living. We have to do both together.
After a break from couple of months I decided to write again. And this time I hope to keep this blog alive. At least few words once a week. Hopefully you guys will enjoy this and visit me again.