Thursday, May 30, 2013

~Journey to find me~

When I came home from studio I was really tired. Both mentally and physically tired and stressed. Maybe it was work maybe it was him. I wasn't so sure what was the real reason behind my tiredness but I knew I was falling apart. I lay on the floor in front of my mirror which was 6 ft tall and I could see myself through it. 

Only that I couldn't recognize my own self and I was so surprised to see a woman whose age cannot tell from looks because her body looks young and her eyes and facial expression says she is way too old to be alive. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I knew it is time that I must return to the place where it all started. Few years ago when I was in France a stranger taught me a medication which has power to take anyone to the very beginning. Where it all began and where it all ends. I really didn’t understand what he was teaching me but today I decided to try that technique since I have nothing to lose if I didn’t go the beginning.

After having a bath I lit some sandal candles and placed them on floor in a circle. I turned off the lights and sat on the middle of the candle circle. I closed my eyes and started praying. The main thing about praying was there isn’t a one prayer. It was all about talking to my own self and freeing the true emotions hidden inside me and the need to release the pain inside my soul.

 “Mother, I’m here. I came here to meet you and find peace within myself. I have faced a point where my whole life has come to mean nothing but a waste. The man I love left me and I’m failing in my job as well. I need your help to go to where it all started…”

I continued praying and eventually it became less praying more releasing my emotions.

“I need to find my true mission and why I’m still here when there is nothing for me to live. I have lost myself and want to find me within me. I need to see the start of life and everything, I want to understand why am I brought into earth, I need to find peace. Mother, help me.”

I felt the aroma around me, it smells sandal and then I felt a cold breeze, cold but comforting. I heared birds’ voices and the sound of trees and leaves swing in the wind. My nose tickles with the fragrance of flowers. That fragrance was mixed with all the sweetest smells in the world. Sometimes it was honey, sometimes it was roses, and sometimes it was chocolate, sometimes it was all the sweet smells in the world. I slowly opened my eyes to see that I was sitting on green grass in a middle of a forest. All the way around all I saw were trees, huge tall trees, they were even covering the rays of sun. Only few rays were able to reach ground escaping through tress which was kissing the sky. I could not see the top of those trees.

I slowly got up. I was bare foot and could feel the green grass. The grass was soft and comfortable. I took few steps forward, cold breeze covered me. I wanted to feel more and more. I took off my white silk gown though I don’t recall I own one. I could feel wind touching my body and covering me. I didn’t feel I was naked. Cold wind and fragrance of flowers were covering me as an invincible cloak. It was started drizzling. I could feel dew on my body and felt so fresh. I wanted to dance. Dance like I’m in a party. Yes it was a party, party of rejoining with the nature. A party to celebrate being alive again. A party to celebrate all the good things happened in past, happening in present and will happen in future.

I danced to the music of the nature. It contains all the music in the world. Smile of a toddler, sound of the rain, sound of water dripping in to a pot, the sound of a waterfall, sound of birds’, sound of butterflies wings, sound of wind, sound of laughter and many more. That makes most beautiful music in the world.
I saw a lake. A silver lake. Shining and glowing. I wanted to feel water. All I could think was I inside the water and in the next moment I was diving into the cold silver water. I could see colorful fishes swimming around me. The water was cold and refreshing. Though the water was so cold I could feel warmth inside me. I laughed and screamed with pleasure. I was playing with water like a child.

I sat on the bank. I felt like a child who sees things for the first time. Everything looked so beautiful, calm and in peace. Even water was calm. Trees were so quiet but again they were mumbling. Birds were making noises but yet whole place was in complete silence. But it was not uncomfortable. It was like this place is trying to tell me something. So I closed my eyes once again and start listening. And then I heard it. There was a voice coming from a faraway place. It was not words, but I could understand it.

Peace was talking. Freedom is talking. Silence is talking. Mother was talking. Finally I understood what it was saying. The message was clear. I laughed loudly. I screamed with joy. I let my body to feel the nature around me. I was not worrying about past, present or future. I was enjoying the moment. That was the message. I found it finally. The peace inside me.

I slowly opened my eyes. I was in my room sitting in the middle of the candle circle. All the candles were burned only the darkness was around me. But through the darkness I could see the light.

“Thank you mother” I whispered under my breath and I know she heard me. 

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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Don't be a puppet

Assignments.. Assignments.. then Exams.. *sigh*
Life is becoming really boring.. I have thousands of work.. actually studies to do.. but here I am.. writing my blog.. and playing facebook games.. barbuddy.. desert shop.. farm heroes and so many.. I'm turning into a lazy ass.. I should study for my Public International law test on Saturday.. and I should start writing my Administatvie law essay which due on Monday... or I should start working on my Interpretation of Statute Presentation which is suppose to held on next Wednesday.. but I'm wasting my time playing games and day dreaming.. and if I got low marks, *sigh* there is no one to blame but me.. I'm so pathetic.. aren't I? 

okay.. that's enough with complaining about being a lazy ass.. I was thinking what if there is really no such a thing call accidents in world? or chance? or coincident..?? what if it is really written by someone? what if the whole destiny is already decided and we are just playing our roles?? that's scary right.. thinking about being a puppet in someone's show. but then again I thought.. there is nothing to be scared of being a puppet because we are already are.. we are playing the roles which the society want us to play. When we are doing something we first think about our family.. what would they say if they knew that I want to be a poet not a doctor. or that I want to a painter not an engineer.. yes They will go nuts.. they will start scolding saying that I wasted their money.. I don't want to make them proud.. 
Then come our friends.. I want to date this guy.. who is not from the same social class... who doesn't do what I do or not the type my friends would call hot and handsome.. what would they say if they know I want to date him? oh yeah.. they will freak out.. yeah he is not going with my friends' society.. and culture.. I better find someone else.. 
Then come the office.. then neighbours.. etc.. 

we hide our true desires and we are playing the roles that others want us to play.. that is scary.. you only live once.. so make use of this life. (right as in buddism you will born again..but under different conditions.. so you will not get this life again.) 

stand up for your self and live the life you want.. don't be a puppet in someone else's show. 
Take care!!! :D

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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Veronika finally found it.. did you??

i just finished reading another amazing book of Paulo Coelho's. It's "Veronika decides to die". That books makes you think thousand times about the life that you are living now. Veronika is a young girl who has a good job, a place to stay and she is pretty.. but something tells her that her life has no meaning so she decides it's her time to die. she decided to commit suicide but that was not the plan that god had for her. she failed her attempt to kill her self and she was taken in to a mental hospital. That's where she found the meaning of life and that's where she finally learnt what is to be living..

Living is not merely breathing or following the same routine. we think that there is only one person living inside us but that's not true. There are thousand of Red Riding Hoods living inside me. One is shy. One is furious. One love to take challenges. One wants to dance. but the problem is we are afraid to do what we want because we are afraid that other people will find us mad.

There is a mad person living inside all of us. That mad man wants to try new things. He doesn't care about boundaries. But people has make their own pattern or a same routine and they just don't want to step out side of that in order to feel the real world. The reality can be different from one person to another. One's reality is not another's reality. One's reality can be a fantasy to another. but yet a fantasy can be a reality.

Maybe I sound like someone in a mental hospital. That's the magic of living. Remember one day you will have no more tomorrows. One day you will not wake up and you have no idea when that could be.
Veronika wanted to kill her self. But then she suddenly realize that she has not lived for the past 20 years but merely existing. Then doctor said to her that she only have one week left because her heart has been damaged so badly. She sets her mind to die and then she starts to live for the one last time. The difference is this time only she is not been merely breathing and existing but living. She do things without bothering what other people would think. She do things she has never tried before. She starts to live and then she realize she has wasted her life for nothing.

One day you will feel the same. That's why it is important to live as you are living for the one last time. One day you will not be here to do things that you wanted to do in your whole life. live the life to the fullest. Veronika finally found the peace and the meaning of life. Did you???

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