Wednesday, December 19, 2012

It was not my Destiny.

I knew I have to choose one, either to live or die. Living as a half dead wouldn't do any better. So as any person who wants to runaway from problems I chose death over life. Though the problem I had looks really petty now, it looked really big by then. Being rejected from the man I love.

For me it was the end of the world. There was no hope, no aim, no dreams. My whole life was planned around him. He was the light to the darkness in my life. Motivation of my life. Every dream every aim were around him. When he left me suddenly I lost my world. But not only my life but the freedom of my soul. I was trapped in his memory. I spent days over days without eating, without sleeping, without talking to anyone. Just sitting on my bed and thinking how did everything go wrong. 

We had plans to get married, to have a home of our own near the lake. It was designed with three bed rooms including master bed room, one visiting room, one dining room, a big kitchen to me to cook all the food he love, a veranda that we can sit in the afternoon and have some coffee while watching the sun set. We dreamed about going on swimming at the mid night in full moon days when the whole world is in deep sleep. We had a dream to have kids. He is helping our son to fly a kit and I'm watching and laughing at them sitting at the veranda with our daughter.

Our relationship was very strong that no-one could ever imagine it would have ended this way. Every little thing was well planed and neat. But then nothing is certain in this world. We broke up. No solids reason but he wanted to leave me. Somehow he has lost his feelings for me. Maybe someone else was there maybe not, all I know is one day suddenly I found my self single. 

I couldn't take it any more, and I chose to put an end to this miserable life. A life which no-one has a value. I took my big sharp scissor and put the blade on my wrist. I knew it is painful to die that way but I had no other option. Dying method option. 

Now I know I was not destined to die that way on that day. It was not my destiny. Dying before grow old is not anyone's destiny. I see a big world now. I feel sorry for that girl who was back then when I look back sometimes. She was very weak and she didn't understand taking her own life because of she is afraid to face the life alone is not a bravery act but an act of a coward. Killing your self for someone who doesn't even bother to care you exist is completely in vain. Maybe that's why god decided I must not die on that day. The god wanted to show me the big world that awaits for me out side my cage. I was a bird inside a cage and once the cage's door was open I didn't know what to do. 

I closed my eyes and pushed the blade on my wrist and determined to cut the wrist at once when I heard my phone was ringing. For a moment I thought it must be he calling me, but it was her. My mom. 

"Hello honey, Are you alright?? " Those were my mom's first words. 

I still can't understand how did that happen but I'm grateful for that power whatever made my mother phones me. She said she heard my voice and I was asking for help.  That moment I understood that there are many people who love me and want to see me alive everyday. Not as a half dead but as a lovely daughter, a cheerful friend, an adorable sister, as a strong woman. My second life was much more fun that the previous one. I knew the value of life. I understood life is not giving to us to waste it on those who doesn't care but to use it for the happiness of them who love us. So don't be afraid if you fall, because life is like a boxing game. You don't lose when fall but when you refuse to get up.

P.S. Not a true story. :)

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