~Journey to find me~

When I came home from studio I was really tired. Both mentally and physically tired and stressed. Maybe it was work maybe it was him. I wasn't so sure what was the real reason behind my tiredness but I knew I was falling apart. I lay on the floor in front of my mirror which was 6 ft tall and I could see myself through it. 

Only that I couldn't recognize my own self and I was so surprised to see a woman whose age cannot tell from looks because her body looks young and her eyes and facial expression says she is way too old to be alive. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I knew it is time that I must return to the place where it all started. Few years ago when I was in France a stranger taught me a medication which has power to take anyone to the very beginning. Where it all began and where it all ends. I really didn’t understand what he was teaching me but today I decided to try that technique since I have nothing to lose if I didn’t go the beginning.

After having a bath I lit some sandal candles and placed them on floor in a circle. I turned off the lights and sat on the middle of the candle circle. I closed my eyes and started praying. The main thing about praying was there isn’t a one prayer. It was all about talking to my own self and freeing the true emotions hidden inside me and the need to release the pain inside my soul.

 “Mother, I’m here. I came here to meet you and find peace within myself. I have faced a point where my whole life has come to mean nothing but a waste. The man I love left me and I’m failing in my job as well. I need your help to go to where it all started…”

I continued praying and eventually it became less praying more releasing my emotions.

“I need to find my true mission and why I’m still here when there is nothing for me to live. I have lost myself and want to find me within me. I need to see the start of life and everything, I want to understand why am I brought into earth, I need to find peace. Mother, help me.”

I felt the aroma around me, it smells sandal and then I felt a cold breeze, cold but comforting. I heared birds’ voices and the sound of trees and leaves swing in the wind. My nose tickles with the fragrance of flowers. That fragrance was mixed with all the sweetest smells in the world. Sometimes it was honey, sometimes it was roses, and sometimes it was chocolate, sometimes it was all the sweet smells in the world. I slowly opened my eyes to see that I was sitting on green grass in a middle of a forest. All the way around all I saw were trees, huge tall trees, they were even covering the rays of sun. Only few rays were able to reach ground escaping through tress which was kissing the sky. I could not see the top of those trees.

I slowly got up. I was bare foot and could feel the green grass. The grass was soft and comfortable. I took few steps forward, cold breeze covered me. I wanted to feel more and more. I took off my white silk gown though I don’t recall I own one. I could feel wind touching my body and covering me. I didn’t feel I was naked. Cold wind and fragrance of flowers were covering me as an invincible cloak. It was started drizzling. I could feel dew on my body and felt so fresh. I wanted to dance. Dance like I’m in a party. Yes it was a party, party of rejoining with the nature. A party to celebrate being alive again. A party to celebrate all the good things happened in past, happening in present and will happen in future.

I danced to the music of the nature. It contains all the music in the world. Smile of a toddler, sound of the rain, sound of water dripping in to a pot, the sound of a waterfall, sound of birds’, sound of butterflies wings, sound of wind, sound of laughter and many more. That makes most beautiful music in the world.

I saw a lake. A silver lake. Shining and glowing. I wanted to feel water. All I could think was I inside the water and in the next moment I was diving into the cold silver water. I could see colorful fishes swimming around me. The water was cold and refreshing. Though the water was so cold I could feel warmth inside me. I laughed and screamed with pleasure. I was playing with water like a child.

I sat on the bank. I felt like a child who sees things for the first time. Everything looked so beautiful, calm and in peace. Even water was calm. Trees were so quiet but again they were mumbling. Birds were making noises but yet whole place was in complete silence. But it was not uncomfortable. It was like this place is trying to tell me something. So I closed my eyes once again and start listening. And then I heard it. There was a voice coming from a faraway place. It was not words, but I could understand it.

Peace was talking. Freedom is talking. Silence is talking. Mother was talking. Finally I understood what it was saying. The message was clear. I laughed loudly. I screamed with joy. I let my body to feel the nature around me. I was not worrying about past, present or future. I was enjoying the moment. That was the message. I found it finally. The peace inside me.

I slowly opened my eyes. I was in my room sitting in the middle of the candle circle. All the candles were burned only the darkness was around me. But through the darkness I could see the light.

“Thank you mother” I whispered under my breath and I know she heard me. 

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