I wanted to talk about this for a long time, but didn't know how. Mainly because I'm not a parent yet so I may not understand the whole parent - child bond thing. But I have 22 years with my parents and I think I have a little idea how parents should deal with their children. Do you interfere in your child's life more than necessary?? Then I hope this post would give you something to think. Yeah maybe you will call this a bluff of a young girl who has no idea how to raise a kid. Yes! I agree. I have never experienced how does it feels to be a parent, raise a child. But mainly what I learned from my own home is though parents give birth to a child he or she means a separate individual and they have their own life. Now don't start thinking that I'm talking about giving unlimited freedom to children. No this is not about that. All I want to say is what will happen if you interfere into your child's life more than it necessarily. What will be the out put. I can be wrong. But I have seen enough examples to say at least 9 out 10 cases what i'm going say would be the result.
Here are some questions.. I don't need an answer.. but answer to yourself.
[This is specially about teenagers and they who passed their teenage. I know it is sort funny if you are controlling your child's life even when he/she is above 19. But it happens. so here we go.]
1. Do you love your child??
2. Do you want to see him /her happy??
3. Do you think "you know the best" for him/ her?
4. Does your child have privacy in his/ her life?
5. Do you respect to his/ her opinion?
6. Does your child have the free will under your roofs??
7. Are you making a fuss about him/her having friends with the opposite sex?
8. Do you read your child's diary??
9. Do you think they should fulfill your dream just because you gave birth to them?
10.Are you a friend to your child?
Think... and answer yourself. You know what are the answers should be... 1. YES /2. YES /3. NO /4. YES /5. YES /6. YES /7. NO /8. NO /9. NO /10. YES
if those were your answers then you can stop reading sir / madam, this is not for you. I'm so happy about your children. They have got perfect parents. :)
But what if those weren't your answers.. Then you might wanna continue reading. :)
Obviously any parent would say YES to the first two questions, because everyone loves their child and want them to be happy except for very few exceptional parents who are not really worthy to be called as parents.
But thinking about the rest..
Starting from the question NO.3 If you think you know the best for him/her.. Then you are wrong. Because people are different. He/She can be your child, made of your genes, but still he/she is different from you. Just like your five fingers are different from each other though they belong to the same hand. You may not know the best for him/her. There are some who have the major talent for aesthetic. There are some who are born smart in books. Some have the skill in sports and some are good with machines. You know the best thing in the world. Of course any parent would say going for higher education and doing a white collar job is the best thing in the world. YES! you are right. But that maybe not the best for your child. Maybe he more likes to spend his/her time with his/her guitar/violin/ Piano/dancing class etc. Maybe he/she wants to spend his/her time with a brush in a hand looking at an incomplete Art. Maybe he likes spends his time in a lab. Only they know what is best for them. All you could do is make sure they are making the right decision by showing their options. Show them the best options they can have, [make sure you pick everything he/she interested in when you are showing the best options] and ask them what they think they wanna do? what they think they are good at..?
Question NO.4, if you say NO this, that would be the biggest mistake you do in your life. Your child needs privacy in his/her life because it helps to build his/her personality. Remember a broken personality would not be getting much credit in the society. No matter how educated they are they would not survive in the society. How lack of privacy destroys someone's personality? Think about it. If she/he can't make a call to a friend without giving full details to you about it? If she/he can't go hang around with friends? [for a girl I agree parents should ask things like, where? who? and don't be late] If he/she doesn't have a separate room [with siblings it is okay] even when he/she is above 14? If she/he doesn't have a door to their room?? Those things are breaking them apart. Friends might laugh to his/her back, they will call him/her with names. You might not think about it. But it happens. Any person deserves some privacy in their lives. This doesn't mean you should give him a separate room and never check what he is doing in there. No. You should check it but for a limit. Be a friend with him more than being Idi Amin type parent. [There is a guy well educated but having personality problems, trust me he doesn't even have a job for two years even with a second upper class Management degree in J'pura Uni.]
Question NO.5 and NO.6 comes together most of the times. Do you respect your child's opinion? or at least do you ask his/her opinion when you are taking a decision about his/her life? Do they have free will under your roofs? Though the law says every human born with free will does that really counts under your roofs? Do you always say what to do to him/her? He is will be a puppet someday. Someday when you are no longer to decide what he should do, he will be lost in the society not having a single clue what he should do. Because once you cut his/her free will that thing never can be restored. They will never recognize it. They will afraid to decide by their own. They will always need a push or they will always wait till someone tells them what they should do. Is that what you want for your child? Cut down his free thinking power and acting according to his/her own instinct. They will easy targets in society. Specially girls. So you need to give her/his free will.
Question NO.7 if you are making a fuss about this, mainly two things can happen. one thing is he or she would be really afraid to get along with the opposite sex or would shy. Another thing would they will find a way to have connections with opposite sex friends somehow closing your eyes. I have seen many, and I don't think you are unaware of those stuffs. Specially if a boy is shy to be with girls then it will damage to his personality and on the other hand if a girl is trying to get along with boys closing your eyes that would be a real danger to her. The solution is not be prison them in a ivory tower, but let them be friends with the opposite sex for a limit under your supervision.
Question No.8 that is a very bad habit. They have their own problems and they need something or someone to talk about those. So if your child has a diary then leave it that way. That diary is not the way to know his/her secrets. Talking is the way. Respect your child. Show them they can talk to you about anything. Even about love problems. I am proud to say I have a mom who I can talk about anything. :)
Question No.9 if you are trying to fulfill your dreams then it is wrong. Your child is not one of your tools to be used that way. Maybe the dream you have can be really good, but if he doesn't like it then there is no use of it. Because he is one who is going to live with that. Not you. Don't make your child a pawn to see your dream come true. And specially don't make your child do something just because your colleague's child is doing that. Don't make your child see a dream which he doesn't want to see. That will ruin his/her whole life. Any man should do something they are fond of unless that thing will destroy them.
Question NO.10 if you are just a parent to them, it is time for you to change. Be a friend. A close friend who he/she can share anything. Don't get panicked when he/she shared a secret with you but be patient and give the right advice to them. Most of wrong things can be prevented from that. If your girl says a boy is interested in her, don't scold her like nothing. But make her understand what will happen if she got a boy friend when she is still at school. Share stories you know about people who had affairs and sort of messed up their whole school life. That will talk some sense to her more than scolding and punishments.
Sometimes a child can be a puppet because of these things, sometimes a child can a gangster. YES! Even though you are not ready to accept that fact I have seen some who says they really hate their parents. I don't think you need that to happen to you and your child.
If you love your child,
Guide him, don't drag him
Show him, don't push him
Respect him, don't humiliate him
Love him, don't tight him......
To read the Sinhala post go to this Link.