~You, Me and "US"~

Sometimes I wonder whether it was a dream I saw in the middle of a summer night. But then dying pieces of memories around me, remind me that it wasn't a dream. It really happened and you were a part of me. Then suddenly you weren't there anymore. I felt so incomplete and fragile. You were like a shield, covering me from the outside world. Protecting me from every possible thing. Then one day that shield was no longer there. I felt so naked. So small. 

It never occurred to me that I would have to live without you. We were always busy and on a schedule. In that schedule, we never had a time to sit down and think what if one of us had to leave soon? We never thought it was possible. We took everything for granted, I say. 

You remember how we were when we first met? So innocent and so energetic. We did things others only imagined doing. We got drunk on the beach and slept till the sun comes up. "When the first rays of sun hit my face, I felt alive" you said to me. 

I dared you, you can't kiss a man, but then I had to kiss you, because I lost the bet. It was the first time we kissed. I have been waiting for that kiss so I was happy that I lost the bet. We kissed a thousand times after that. But none of those times can beat the first time. We both knew it was not a payment for a bet, but something we both wanted for a long time. I don't remember anything about that day, what clothes I wore, what colour were they, nada. But I remember how I felt when you kissed me for the first time. I looked into your eyes and lost myself forever. 

Beach, that was our favourite spot. White sand, sun, water and cool breeze. All the elements were there. One day lying on white sand you asked, "How would you feel if I asked you to be my wife?". That's how you proposed to me. No ring, no standing in knee, no violins, but it felt perfect. You know why, because that's what I wanted. You knew me well enough not to do anything fancy. 

Three month later I went to Mrs. from Miss. and that night you hugged me tight and said "angel, don't even think of leaving me now. I gave up on my single life and I don't want to be single ever again.." I promise you, but as usual I forgot to make you promise me. 

Our plan was to travel the world once we were married. At first we decided we need to settle down a bit, before go anywhere. In the second year, work was too much in office and we thought we have time. In the third year, we lost her, a small tiny creature who was suppose to come to us. the time stayed still for no-one and it was the fifth year of our marriage. 

One cold night I woke up to a phone call, just to hear that you have been an accident. The life I knew has come to an end. The life I shared with you. Greetings in the morning, two mugs of coffee, bathroom traffic, complains of ironing shirts, everything was gone. No more arguments over bills not being paid, no more fights over the remote controller or make up gifts for words shot across the hall. 

It's been months now. I still can't believe how this happened, but again that is life when we take it for granted. I quit my job at the firm and collected all my money. I sold the house. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm not going to take it for granted anymore. I wanted to tell you, that you aren't really gone. A part of you are growing inside me. I'm going to take that part with me around the world. We are going to see the world and I'll figure out what I'm going to do as I'm going. Because life is too short to figure out and start living. We have to do both together. 
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After a break from couple of months I decided to write again. And this time I hope to keep this blog alive. At least few words once a week. Hopefully you guys will enjoy this and visit me again.
cheers!! 

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~Lady in the Painting~

It was a perfect evening. Last rays of sun were shining upon the waves. Sea was calm and beautiful. He said to himself. Walking on the beach in the evening was his favorite thing. Watching the sunset while listening to the bells from the abandoned church on the hill. It was abandoned year ago but still bells are making noises to the wind. It was a sound of happiness and sadness at the same time. Jingles coming from a faraway place told a happy story but they were coming from a forgotten place which made it sad.

This evening was supposed to be a usual one. Just like other days he was going to take a walk on the beach. After the sunset go back to his little cabin and lit the candle. Eat some bread with cheese he bought from the market other day. Drink some wine or brandy if it’s a cold night. Play the violin a bit and go to a long sleep till the sun comes with a new day.

Destiny works in a mysterious way. Sometimes some things that you have been waiting for comes in an unexpected time and sometimes you didn't even know that you have been waiting for that thing until it arrives. This day was all about unexpected surprise that he had been waiting for his whole life.

It looked like a piece of paper first. Just a piece of paper. He was not going pick it up and then he was curious.

It was painting of a lady. Black silky hair fallen on to shoulder length. Dark long eye borrows with big round brown eyes. Pointy face with thick lips and a small nose.

“A fine looking lady.” He said to himself. Without thinking too much he put it into his pocket and walked away.

Sun was almost gone when he turned to go to his cabin. Had his small dinner and took his violin to play  That’s when he remembered about the picture in his pocket.

He took it out and looked at it from candle light. She looked young. Could be nineteen or twenty maximum  She must be from a good family, but fine ladies don’t keep their hair on loose like this. He was thinking.

Specially they wouldn't pose for a painting with hair on loose.

"It is just a painting." said to himself. But he doesn't put it in the pocket. He doesn't throw it away. He kept it on the chair next to him and played his violin. If someone saw that, they would think he was playing for her. But he said, he is playing for himself. Playing for night.

Sun came with a new day. But unlike other days sun rays bothered him on that day. He wanted to sleep more. He doesn't get a good sleep at that night. He was tired. It never happened before. He was proud always about being an early bird.

He dreamed all night. He has to many different dreams. Dreams on beach. Dreams at valleys. Dreams in his cabin. Dreams at some places where he doesn't know. But all the dreams had one thing in common. She was there. Lady in the painting. She was alive. Walking, talking and laughing. He felt so much alive in those dreams. He wanted to sleep more so could dream more.

But he had to wake up. Reality is not a dream. He washed himself and went to village for world. He was fine gardener. He is usually good at what he was doing. Whole village praised his work and said he was the best. But on that day he was a different man. He trimmed a bush which was about to bloom. Watered roses twice and if his fellow doesn't notice him doing so he would have done it to the third time as well.

All he could think was going home soon. It was like someone was waiting for him at home  Of course there was. She. She was waiting for him.

Days became months, months became years. Everybody noticed his changes. He was no longer the free lad but a man. A matured man. He aged quickly. His hair turned grey. There were winkles and dark spots around his eyes. He soon looked old to his age. But there were two things that became younger and brighter day by day.

His eyes and her. His eyes became more and more bright. It was like he was seeing someone getting close to him as the days was passing by. He dreamed every night. Slowly she took over his day too. He gave up fighting the feeling thought he wasn't so sure what it was.

She became more and more beautiful. Her eyes became bright too. Those were like stars first but later they were like burning suns. He felt the warmth and beauty.

He came from work that day. He felt a difference. He felt her presence in his cabin. This time it wasn't like she was a painting. But as a real person. A breathing living soul. He could swear that he heard the sound of her gown sweeping the floor. He felt a small breeze just like she was quickly passing him. When he was making a sandwich, when he was eating, when he was playing the violin, he felt her warmth next to him. It was like she was sitting next to him.

That night he dreamed again. He was on the beach. Sun was setting. Sea looked golden. Times was still  World was still. Everything was calm and quiet. But beautiful. She came to him. Hugged him tightly. Kissed him on lips and whispered to his ears.

“Let’s go. It’s time.”

It was the first time she spoke to him or the first time he heard her voice. It was calm like song.

He took her hand. She guided him to the golden sea. She held him close to her. They walked and walked until they disappear in golden water. Last rays of sun vanished from the earth as they disappear in sea.

Next day sun came with a new morning. But he was in deep sleep. He had a smile on his face. It was like he finally found peace.

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~Phoenix~

You crushed me
And cracked me
Held me up
And smashed on floor....

You listened to the sound
Cracking my bones
Made a symphony
And danced to the song....

You set fire and
Pushed me to middle
Watched me burn
In red flames and fumes....

Watch while you can
Nothing stays still
Wounds will heal
Not burning scars....

Burn me alive
I will rise above
Fire don't lasts
But the phoenix will rise....

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~Be my worshipper~

When the sun goes deep
stars are shining on the sky
make me your goddess 
and be my worshipper
I'll show you the world...

Kiss me on forehead
take me in your arms
hug me tightly and
say a silent prayer
I'll give you the world...

Lie down next to me
hold my hand gently
close your eyes and
keep your head on my heart
You'll hear the divine song...

Kneel in-front of me
look up at my face
whisper my name slowly
till it becomes a spell
I'll take you to the heaven..

Make me your goddess
and be my worshipper
dedicate your soul to me
let the wind carry the silent prayer
I'll show you how the happiness feels...

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~Journey to find me~

When I came home from studio I was really tired. Both mentally and physically tired and stressed. Maybe it was work maybe it was him. I wasn't so sure what was the real reason behind my tiredness but I knew I was falling apart. I lay on the floor in front of my mirror which was 6 ft tall and I could see myself through it. 

Only that I couldn't recognize my own self and I was so surprised to see a woman whose age cannot tell from looks because her body looks young and her eyes and facial expression says she is way too old to be alive. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I knew it is time that I must return to the place where it all started. Few years ago when I was in France a stranger taught me a medication which has power to take anyone to the very beginning. Where it all began and where it all ends. I really didn’t understand what he was teaching me but today I decided to try that technique since I have nothing to lose if I didn’t go the beginning.

After having a bath I lit some sandal candles and placed them on floor in a circle. I turned off the lights and sat on the middle of the candle circle. I closed my eyes and started praying. The main thing about praying was there isn’t a one prayer. It was all about talking to my own self and freeing the true emotions hidden inside me and the need to release the pain inside my soul.

 “Mother, I’m here. I came here to meet you and find peace within myself. I have faced a point where my whole life has come to mean nothing but a waste. The man I love left me and I’m failing in my job as well. I need your help to go to where it all started…”

I continued praying and eventually it became less praying more releasing my emotions.

“I need to find my true mission and why I’m still here when there is nothing for me to live. I have lost myself and want to find me within me. I need to see the start of life and everything, I want to understand why am I brought into earth, I need to find peace. Mother, help me.”

I felt the aroma around me, it smells sandal and then I felt a cold breeze, cold but comforting. I heared birds’ voices and the sound of trees and leaves swing in the wind. My nose tickles with the fragrance of flowers. That fragrance was mixed with all the sweetest smells in the world. Sometimes it was honey, sometimes it was roses, and sometimes it was chocolate, sometimes it was all the sweet smells in the world. I slowly opened my eyes to see that I was sitting on green grass in a middle of a forest. All the way around all I saw were trees, huge tall trees, they were even covering the rays of sun. Only few rays were able to reach ground escaping through tress which was kissing the sky. I could not see the top of those trees.

I slowly got up. I was bare foot and could feel the green grass. The grass was soft and comfortable. I took few steps forward, cold breeze covered me. I wanted to feel more and more. I took off my white silk gown though I don’t recall I own one. I could feel wind touching my body and covering me. I didn’t feel I was naked. Cold wind and fragrance of flowers were covering me as an invincible cloak. It was started drizzling. I could feel dew on my body and felt so fresh. I wanted to dance. Dance like I’m in a party. Yes it was a party, party of rejoining with the nature. A party to celebrate being alive again. A party to celebrate all the good things happened in past, happening in present and will happen in future.

I danced to the music of the nature. It contains all the music in the world. Smile of a toddler, sound of the rain, sound of water dripping in to a pot, the sound of a waterfall, sound of birds’, sound of butterflies wings, sound of wind, sound of laughter and many more. That makes most beautiful music in the world.

I saw a lake. A silver lake. Shining and glowing. I wanted to feel water. All I could think was I inside the water and in the next moment I was diving into the cold silver water. I could see colorful fishes swimming around me. The water was cold and refreshing. Though the water was so cold I could feel warmth inside me. I laughed and screamed with pleasure. I was playing with water like a child.

I sat on the bank. I felt like a child who sees things for the first time. Everything looked so beautiful, calm and in peace. Even water was calm. Trees were so quiet but again they were mumbling. Birds were making noises but yet whole place was in complete silence. But it was not uncomfortable. It was like this place is trying to tell me something. So I closed my eyes once again and start listening. And then I heard it. There was a voice coming from a faraway place. It was not words, but I could understand it.

Peace was talking. Freedom is talking. Silence is talking. Mother was talking. Finally I understood what it was saying. The message was clear. I laughed loudly. I screamed with joy. I let my body to feel the nature around me. I was not worrying about past, present or future. I was enjoying the moment. That was the message. I found it finally. The peace inside me.

I slowly opened my eyes. I was in my room sitting in the middle of the candle circle. All the candles were burned only the darkness was around me. But through the darkness I could see the light.

“Thank you mother” I whispered under my breath and I know she heard me. 

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Don't be a puppet

Assignments.. Assignments.. then Exams.. *sigh*
Life is becoming really boring.. I have thousands of work.. actually studies to do.. but here I am.. writing my blog.. and playing facebook games.. barbuddy.. desert shop.. farm heroes and so many.. I'm turning into a lazy ass.. I should study for my Public International law test on Saturday.. and I should start writing my Administatvie law essay which due on Monday... or I should start working on my Interpretation of Statute Presentation which is suppose to held on next Wednesday.. but I'm wasting my time playing games and day dreaming.. and if I got low marks, *sigh* there is no one to blame but me.. I'm so pathetic.. aren't I? 

okay.. that's enough with complaining about being a lazy ass.. I was thinking what if there is really no such a thing call accidents in world? or chance? or coincident..?? what if it is really written by someone? what if the whole destiny is already decided and we are just playing our roles?? that's scary right.. thinking about being a puppet in someone's show. but then again I thought.. there is nothing to be scared of being a puppet because we are already are.. we are playing the roles which the society want us to play. When we are doing something we first think about our family.. what would they say if they knew that I want to be a poet not a doctor. or that I want to a painter not an engineer.. yes They will go nuts.. they will start scolding saying that I wasted their money.. I don't want to make them proud.. 
Then come our friends.. I want to date this guy.. who is not from the same social class... who doesn't do what I do or not the type my friends would call hot and handsome.. what would they say if they know I want to date him? oh yeah.. they will freak out.. yeah he is not going with my friends' society.. and culture.. I better find someone else.. 
Then come the office.. then neighbours.. etc.. 

we hide our true desires and we are playing the roles that others want us to play.. that is scary.. you only live once.. so make use of this life. (right as in buddism you will born again..but under different conditions.. so you will not get this life again.) 

stand up for your self and live the life you want.. don't be a puppet in someone else's show. 
Take care!!! :D

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Veronika finally found it.. did you??

i just finished reading another amazing book of Paulo Coelho's. It's "Veronika decides to die". That books makes you think thousand times about the life that you are living now. Veronika is a young girl who has a good job, a place to stay and she is pretty.. but something tells her that her life has no meaning so she decides it's her time to die. she decided to commit suicide but that was not the plan that god had for her. she failed her attempt to kill her self and she was taken in to a mental hospital. That's where she found the meaning of life and that's where she finally learnt what is to be living..

Living is not merely breathing or following the same routine. we think that there is only one person living inside us but that's not true. There are thousand of Red Riding Hoods living inside me. One is shy. One is furious. One love to take challenges. One wants to dance. but the problem is we are afraid to do what we want because we are afraid that other people will find us mad.

There is a mad person living inside all of us. That mad man wants to try new things. He doesn't care about boundaries. But people has make their own pattern or a same routine and they just don't want to step out side of that in order to feel the real world. The reality can be different from one person to another. One's reality is not another's reality. One's reality can be a fantasy to another. but yet a fantasy can be a reality.

Maybe I sound like someone in a mental hospital. That's the magic of living. Remember one day you will have no more tomorrows. One day you will not wake up and you have no idea when that could be.
Veronika wanted to kill her self. But then she suddenly realize that she has not lived for the past 20 years but merely existing. Then doctor said to her that she only have one week left because her heart has been damaged so badly. She sets her mind to die and then she starts to live for the one last time. The difference is this time only she is not been merely breathing and existing but living. She do things without bothering what other people would think. She do things she has never tried before. She starts to live and then she realize she has wasted her life for nothing.

One day you will feel the same. That's why it is important to live as you are living for the one last time. One day you will not be here to do things that you wanted to do in your whole life. live the life to the fullest. Veronika finally found the peace and the meaning of life. Did you???

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