~The One~

pic- blog.bible

I know I'm not the one
that you see in the long run
holding hands and your heart
I can never be the one you want

I know this love is hopeless
can't stop falling nevertheless
more I see you, more I fall
Just like dead leaves in the fall

I know there is no-one to blame
except me, who lit this flame
to whisper 'Te Amo' in your ear
wish to be born as the one you desire...

Post Comment

~Empty World~

You sure look good
interesting as I see,
but you ain't getting
inside my world, you see
I have wall built up
reaching to the sky
It got no gates
no-one gets in
Just an empty world..

If I open up, I'm afraid
that I would scare you away
Can you promise me that
you won't go away
I've got lot of scars and wounds
I've got a nasty past
I'm afraid that truth will
somehow drive you away....

Don't try to climb up
those walls are too high
I'm just sitting inside alone
with my bottled up memories
nothing pretty to see
nothing beautiful to share
broken pieces of a wounded past
that's all there to see..

If I open up, I'm afraid
that I would scare you away
Can you promise me that
you won't go away..
I've got lot of scars and wounds
I've got a nasty past
I'm afraid that truth will
somehow drive you away.....

Don't try to come inside
you won't like what you see
cold and empty pale world
that's all there to me..
Let's just stand where we are
You and I in two worlds
let's walk our separate ways
cause, we are in two roads..

If I open up, I'm afraid
that I would scare you away
Can you promise me that
you won't go away..
I've got lot of scars and wounds
I've got a nasty past
I'm afraid that truth will
somehow drive you away.....

Post Comment

~Cried myself to sleep~

Pic - google

Can't let them see my tears
can't let them see my pain
have to put on a brave face
strong and bright all day
So I cried myself to sleep

Can't say I miss you a lot
can't say I need you here
have to say "I don't care"
smiling confidently all day
so I cried myself to sleep

Can't walk away from this
can't stand alone still
have to move on with my life
alone but bravely all day
so I cried myself to sleep

world doesn't know how much
you will never know how much
even I don't know how much
that I love you in my heart
so I cried myself to sleep....

Post Comment

To feel.. To be free...

Pic - Google

I wanna sleep on soft white sand
at mid-night in the beach
listen to the sound of lonely waves
to feel the night breeze

I wanna lie on the green grass
at the top of a mountain hill
watch busy bees and butterflies
to feel the warmth of sun

I wanna swim in the blue lake
like a mermaid in a tale
play hide and seek under the sea
peek through the mysterious veil

I wanna be free and fly away
like a bird in the large sky
to free my soul from my body
and to fade away in light

Will I ever be free to fly?
Will I ever be free to sleep?
Will I ever be free to feel
the love that I wanna feel....

Post Comment

~I can't let you go~

Pic- Google

I want to hold you close
so you wouldn't get hurt
protect you from cold
and keep your heart warm...

I want to stay next to you
when you fall asleep
protect you from bad dreams
and let you sleep on my arms...

I want to walk with you
hand in hand together
protect you from piercing wind
and give strength to walk...

I want to hold your hand
say everything is alright
protect you from falling apart
and never let you cry...

I don't want to let you go
even, I'm not there anymore
I'll always be by your side
even, you don't see me anymore..

Post Comment

~Let Her Go~

One of my favourite songs. 

Isn't this the truth about us? We all start loving things or appreciating once we lost them. We are so blind to blessings in our lives, instead we are so busy worrying about things we don't have. Maybe it is time to stop worrying about things that we don't have or about things we lost, but start to love things we have now with us. Count your blessings!!

Cheers!!

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Post Comment

~Adultery - Paulo Coelho~

Adultery - Paulo Coelho
Pic- Red Riding Hood

I took a long break.. Now it's time to break the ice. Well I went to book fair on Thursday (11) and bought thirty (30) books. yeah my mother was shocked. :) Anyway I already finished reading one book, Paulo Coelho's latest book, "Adultery". I thought to write about how I felt after reading it. 
First of all, I must say Paulo Coelho is one of my favourite authors and I love his work. In 2006 I read "The Alchemist" and that's when I fell in love with his books. "Veronica decides to die", "By the river Piedra I sat down and wept", "Eleven minutes" "Manuscript Found in Accra" are my favourites. 
The story is about a woman who is in her thirties begins to question about her life. She has a perfect life in the eyes of others, a perfect marriage, two beautiful children, a good job and a house. Basically everything. But she is tired of all the perfectness around her. She met her ex boyfriend at a meeting and she fell in love with him again. The story is about how she loses herself in order to discover who she is again. 
It is a nice story with a good message. A very strong message to them who is bored with their marriages and their perfect lives. 
But, yes, there is a but.. All the other books Paulo Coelho wrote were able to make a significant difference in my mind. I didn't feel that in this book. We all know Paulo Coelho is a wizard who can do magic through his words. But I didn't see that magic in this book. I don't whether I felt that way because I'm new to whole marriage and extramarital affairs. I have never experienced any of those before. But all the other novels were like portals which open a door to the truth or to some deep emotions that we all felt but couldn't ever explain. In "Adultery" I didn't feel that. The main character, female journalist, goes through some kind of portal like that, but the problem is she doesn't take us with her. 
At the end she finds her way back to her real love or to the truth in her life. But I couldn't understand what makes her realize that, the path she is in, is not the right one. And is it possible for someone to end an intimate relationship at once without any regrets or any more cravings. 
I asked myself, where is the chapter that makes a huge difference in reader's heart and mind? where are those quotes we usually read in his books that tattooed into our memory? 
But when you forget about "Alchemist", you forget about "Veronica" you can enjoy this book. Forget about the
Paulo you knew, think as a new one.
However the book is still good compared to most of other novels. 
I will finish this review with a one quote that tattooed in my memory and that's the only. 
"There is none so blind as the one who does not want to see"
~Adultery~ 


Available at Sarasavi Book Shop - 895/=

Post Comment

~You, Me and "US"~

Sometimes I wonder whether it was a dream I saw in the middle of a summer night. But then dying pieces of memories around me, remind me that it wasn't a dream. It really happened and you were a part of me. Then suddenly you weren't there anymore. I felt so incomplete and fragile. You were like a shield, covering me from the outside world. Protecting me from every possible thing. Then one day that shield was no longer there. I felt so naked. So small. 

It never occurred to me that I would have to live without you. We were always busy and on a schedule. In that schedule, we never had a time to sit down and think what if one of us had to leave soon? We never thought it was possible. We took everything for granted, I say. 

You remember how we were when we first met? So innocent and so energetic. We did things others only imagined doing. We got drunk on the beach and slept till the sun comes up. "When the first rays of sun hit my face, I felt alive" you said to me. 

I dared you, you can't kiss a man, but then I had to kiss you, because I lost the bet. It was the first time we kissed. I have been waiting for that kiss so I was happy that I lost the bet. We kissed a thousand times after that. But none of those times can beat the first time. We both knew it was not a payment for a bet, but something we both wanted for a long time. I don't remember anything about that day, what clothes I wore, what colour were they, nada. But I remember how I felt when you kissed me for the first time. I looked into your eyes and lost myself forever. 

Beach, that was our favourite spot. White sand, sun, water and cool breeze. All the elements were there. One day lying on white sand you asked, "How would you feel if I asked you to be my wife?". That's how you proposed to me. No ring, no standing in knee, no violins, but it felt perfect. You know why, because that's what I wanted. You knew me well enough not to do anything fancy. 

Three month later I went to Mrs. from Miss. and that night you hugged me tight and said "angel, don't even think of leaving me now. I gave up on my single life and I don't want to be single ever again.." I promise you, but as usual I forgot to make you promise me. 

Our plan was to travel the world once we were married. At first we decided we need to settle down a bit, before go anywhere. In the second year, work was too much in office and we thought we have time. In the third year, we lost her, a small tiny creature who was suppose to come to us. the time stayed still for no-one and it was the fifth year of our marriage. 

One cold night I woke up to a phone call, just to hear that you have been an accident. The life I knew has come to an end. The life I shared with you. Greetings in the morning, two mugs of coffee, bathroom traffic, complains of ironing shirts, everything was gone. No more arguments over bills not being paid, no more fights over the remote controller or make up gifts for words shot across the hall. 

It's been months now. I still can't believe how this happened, but again that is life when we take it for granted. I quit my job at the firm and collected all my money. I sold the house. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm not going to take it for granted anymore. I wanted to tell you, that you aren't really gone. A part of you are growing inside me. I'm going to take that part with me around the world. We are going to see the world and I'll figure out what I'm going to do as I'm going. Because life is too short to figure out and start living. We have to do both together. 
****************************************************************************

After a break from couple of months I decided to write again. And this time I hope to keep this blog alive. At least few words once a week. Hopefully you guys will enjoy this and visit me again.
cheers!! 

Post Comment

~Lady in the Painting~

It was a perfect evening. Last rays of sun were shining upon the waves. Sea was calm and beautiful. He said to himself. Walking on the beach in the evening was his favorite thing. Watching the sunset while listening to the bells from the abandoned church on the hill. It was abandoned year ago but still bells are making noises to the wind. It was a sound of happiness and sadness at the same time. Jingles coming from a faraway place told a happy story but they were coming from a forgotten place which made it sad.

This evening was supposed to be a usual one. Just like other days he was going to take a walk on the beach. After the sunset go back to his little cabin and lit the candle. Eat some bread with cheese he bought from the market other day. Drink some wine or brandy if it’s a cold night. Play the violin a bit and go to a long sleep till the sun comes with a new day.

Destiny works in a mysterious way. Sometimes some things that you have been waiting for comes in an unexpected time and sometimes you didn't even know that you have been waiting for that thing until it arrives. This day was all about unexpected surprise that he had been waiting for his whole life.

It looked like a piece of paper first. Just a piece of paper. He was not going pick it up and then he was curious.

It was painting of a lady. Black silky hair fallen on to shoulder length. Dark long eye borrows with big round brown eyes. Pointy face with thick lips and a small nose.

“A fine looking lady.” He said to himself. Without thinking too much he put it into his pocket and walked away.

Sun was almost gone when he turned to go to his cabin. Had his small dinner and took his violin to play  That’s when he remembered about the picture in his pocket.

He took it out and looked at it from candle light. She looked young. Could be nineteen or twenty maximum  She must be from a good family, but fine ladies don’t keep their hair on loose like this. He was thinking.

Specially they wouldn't pose for a painting with hair on loose.

"It is just a painting." said to himself. But he doesn't put it in the pocket. He doesn't throw it away. He kept it on the chair next to him and played his violin. If someone saw that, they would think he was playing for her. But he said, he is playing for himself. Playing for night.

Sun came with a new day. But unlike other days sun rays bothered him on that day. He wanted to sleep more. He doesn't get a good sleep at that night. He was tired. It never happened before. He was proud always about being an early bird.

He dreamed all night. He has to many different dreams. Dreams on beach. Dreams at valleys. Dreams in his cabin. Dreams at some places where he doesn't know. But all the dreams had one thing in common. She was there. Lady in the painting. She was alive. Walking, talking and laughing. He felt so much alive in those dreams. He wanted to sleep more so could dream more.

But he had to wake up. Reality is not a dream. He washed himself and went to village for world. He was fine gardener. He is usually good at what he was doing. Whole village praised his work and said he was the best. But on that day he was a different man. He trimmed a bush which was about to bloom. Watered roses twice and if his fellow doesn't notice him doing so he would have done it to the third time as well.

All he could think was going home soon. It was like someone was waiting for him at home  Of course there was. She. She was waiting for him.

Days became months, months became years. Everybody noticed his changes. He was no longer the free lad but a man. A matured man. He aged quickly. His hair turned grey. There were winkles and dark spots around his eyes. He soon looked old to his age. But there were two things that became younger and brighter day by day.

His eyes and her. His eyes became more and more bright. It was like he was seeing someone getting close to him as the days was passing by. He dreamed every night. Slowly she took over his day too. He gave up fighting the feeling thought he wasn't so sure what it was.

She became more and more beautiful. Her eyes became bright too. Those were like stars first but later they were like burning suns. He felt the warmth and beauty.

He came from work that day. He felt a difference. He felt her presence in his cabin. This time it wasn't like she was a painting. But as a real person. A breathing living soul. He could swear that he heard the sound of her gown sweeping the floor. He felt a small breeze just like she was quickly passing him. When he was making a sandwich, when he was eating, when he was playing the violin, he felt her warmth next to him. It was like she was sitting next to him.

That night he dreamed again. He was on the beach. Sun was setting. Sea looked golden. Times was still  World was still. Everything was calm and quiet. But beautiful. She came to him. Hugged him tightly. Kissed him on lips and whispered to his ears.

“Let’s go. It’s time.”

It was the first time she spoke to him or the first time he heard her voice. It was calm like song.

He took her hand. She guided him to the golden sea. She held him close to her. They walked and walked until they disappear in golden water. Last rays of sun vanished from the earth as they disappear in sea.

Next day sun came with a new morning. But he was in deep sleep. He had a smile on his face. It was like he finally found peace.

Post Comment

~Phoenix~

You crushed me
And cracked me
Held me up
And smashed on floor....

You listened to the sound
Cracking my bones
Made a symphony
And danced to the song....

You set fire and
Pushed me to middle
Watched me burn
In red flames and fumes....

Watch while you can
Nothing stays still
Wounds will heal
Not burning scars....

Burn me alive
I will rise above
Fire don't lasts
But the phoenix will rise....

Post Comment

~Be my worshipper~

When the sun goes deep
stars are shining on the sky
make me your goddess 
and be my worshipper
I'll show you the world...

Kiss me on forehead
take me in your arms
hug me tightly and
say a silent prayer
I'll give you the world...

Lie down next to me
hold my hand gently
close your eyes and
keep your head on my heart
You'll hear the divine song...

Kneel in-front of me
look up at my face
whisper my name slowly
till it becomes a spell
I'll take you to the heaven..

Make me your goddess
and be my worshipper
dedicate your soul to me
let the wind carry the silent prayer
I'll show you how the happiness feels...

Post Comment

~Journey to find me~

When I came home from studio I was really tired. Both mentally and physically tired and stressed. Maybe it was work maybe it was him. I wasn't so sure what was the real reason behind my tiredness but I knew I was falling apart. I lay on the floor in front of my mirror which was 6 ft tall and I could see myself through it. 

Only that I couldn't recognize my own self and I was so surprised to see a woman whose age cannot tell from looks because her body looks young and her eyes and facial expression says she is way too old to be alive. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I knew it is time that I must return to the place where it all started. Few years ago when I was in France a stranger taught me a medication which has power to take anyone to the very beginning. Where it all began and where it all ends. I really didn’t understand what he was teaching me but today I decided to try that technique since I have nothing to lose if I didn’t go the beginning.

After having a bath I lit some sandal candles and placed them on floor in a circle. I turned off the lights and sat on the middle of the candle circle. I closed my eyes and started praying. The main thing about praying was there isn’t a one prayer. It was all about talking to my own self and freeing the true emotions hidden inside me and the need to release the pain inside my soul.

 “Mother, I’m here. I came here to meet you and find peace within myself. I have faced a point where my whole life has come to mean nothing but a waste. The man I love left me and I’m failing in my job as well. I need your help to go to where it all started…”

I continued praying and eventually it became less praying more releasing my emotions.

“I need to find my true mission and why I’m still here when there is nothing for me to live. I have lost myself and want to find me within me. I need to see the start of life and everything, I want to understand why am I brought into earth, I need to find peace. Mother, help me.”

I felt the aroma around me, it smells sandal and then I felt a cold breeze, cold but comforting. I heared birds’ voices and the sound of trees and leaves swing in the wind. My nose tickles with the fragrance of flowers. That fragrance was mixed with all the sweetest smells in the world. Sometimes it was honey, sometimes it was roses, and sometimes it was chocolate, sometimes it was all the sweet smells in the world. I slowly opened my eyes to see that I was sitting on green grass in a middle of a forest. All the way around all I saw were trees, huge tall trees, they were even covering the rays of sun. Only few rays were able to reach ground escaping through tress which was kissing the sky. I could not see the top of those trees.

I slowly got up. I was bare foot and could feel the green grass. The grass was soft and comfortable. I took few steps forward, cold breeze covered me. I wanted to feel more and more. I took off my white silk gown though I don’t recall I own one. I could feel wind touching my body and covering me. I didn’t feel I was naked. Cold wind and fragrance of flowers were covering me as an invincible cloak. It was started drizzling. I could feel dew on my body and felt so fresh. I wanted to dance. Dance like I’m in a party. Yes it was a party, party of rejoining with the nature. A party to celebrate being alive again. A party to celebrate all the good things happened in past, happening in present and will happen in future.

I danced to the music of the nature. It contains all the music in the world. Smile of a toddler, sound of the rain, sound of water dripping in to a pot, the sound of a waterfall, sound of birds’, sound of butterflies wings, sound of wind, sound of laughter and many more. That makes most beautiful music in the world.

I saw a lake. A silver lake. Shining and glowing. I wanted to feel water. All I could think was I inside the water and in the next moment I was diving into the cold silver water. I could see colorful fishes swimming around me. The water was cold and refreshing. Though the water was so cold I could feel warmth inside me. I laughed and screamed with pleasure. I was playing with water like a child.

I sat on the bank. I felt like a child who sees things for the first time. Everything looked so beautiful, calm and in peace. Even water was calm. Trees were so quiet but again they were mumbling. Birds were making noises but yet whole place was in complete silence. But it was not uncomfortable. It was like this place is trying to tell me something. So I closed my eyes once again and start listening. And then I heard it. There was a voice coming from a faraway place. It was not words, but I could understand it.

Peace was talking. Freedom is talking. Silence is talking. Mother was talking. Finally I understood what it was saying. The message was clear. I laughed loudly. I screamed with joy. I let my body to feel the nature around me. I was not worrying about past, present or future. I was enjoying the moment. That was the message. I found it finally. The peace inside me.

I slowly opened my eyes. I was in my room sitting in the middle of the candle circle. All the candles were burned only the darkness was around me. But through the darkness I could see the light.

“Thank you mother” I whispered under my breath and I know she heard me. 

Post Comment

Don't be a puppet

Assignments.. Assignments.. then Exams.. *sigh*
Life is becoming really boring.. I have thousands of work.. actually studies to do.. but here I am.. writing my blog.. and playing facebook games.. barbuddy.. desert shop.. farm heroes and so many.. I'm turning into a lazy ass.. I should study for my Public International law test on Saturday.. and I should start writing my Administatvie law essay which due on Monday... or I should start working on my Interpretation of Statute Presentation which is suppose to held on next Wednesday.. but I'm wasting my time playing games and day dreaming.. and if I got low marks, *sigh* there is no one to blame but me.. I'm so pathetic.. aren't I? 

okay.. that's enough with complaining about being a lazy ass.. I was thinking what if there is really no such a thing call accidents in world? or chance? or coincident..?? what if it is really written by someone? what if the whole destiny is already decided and we are just playing our roles?? that's scary right.. thinking about being a puppet in someone's show. but then again I thought.. there is nothing to be scared of being a puppet because we are already are.. we are playing the roles which the society want us to play. When we are doing something we first think about our family.. what would they say if they knew that I want to be a poet not a doctor. or that I want to a painter not an engineer.. yes They will go nuts.. they will start scolding saying that I wasted their money.. I don't want to make them proud.. 
Then come our friends.. I want to date this guy.. who is not from the same social class... who doesn't do what I do or not the type my friends would call hot and handsome.. what would they say if they know I want to date him? oh yeah.. they will freak out.. yeah he is not going with my friends' society.. and culture.. I better find someone else.. 
Then come the office.. then neighbours.. etc.. 

we hide our true desires and we are playing the roles that others want us to play.. that is scary.. you only live once.. so make use of this life. (right as in buddism you will born again..but under different conditions.. so you will not get this life again.) 

stand up for your self and live the life you want.. don't be a puppet in someone else's show. 
Take care!!! :D

Post Comment

Veronika finally found it.. did you??

i just finished reading another amazing book of Paulo Coelho's. It's "Veronika decides to die". That books makes you think thousand times about the life that you are living now. Veronika is a young girl who has a good job, a place to stay and she is pretty.. but something tells her that her life has no meaning so she decides it's her time to die. she decided to commit suicide but that was not the plan that god had for her. she failed her attempt to kill her self and she was taken in to a mental hospital. That's where she found the meaning of life and that's where she finally learnt what is to be living..

Living is not merely breathing or following the same routine. we think that there is only one person living inside us but that's not true. There are thousand of Red Riding Hoods living inside me. One is shy. One is furious. One love to take challenges. One wants to dance. but the problem is we are afraid to do what we want because we are afraid that other people will find us mad.

There is a mad person living inside all of us. That mad man wants to try new things. He doesn't care about boundaries. But people has make their own pattern or a same routine and they just don't want to step out side of that in order to feel the real world. The reality can be different from one person to another. One's reality is not another's reality. One's reality can be a fantasy to another. but yet a fantasy can be a reality.

Maybe I sound like someone in a mental hospital. That's the magic of living. Remember one day you will have no more tomorrows. One day you will not wake up and you have no idea when that could be.
Veronika wanted to kill her self. But then she suddenly realize that she has not lived for the past 20 years but merely existing. Then doctor said to her that she only have one week left because her heart has been damaged so badly. She sets her mind to die and then she starts to live for the one last time. The difference is this time only she is not been merely breathing and existing but living. She do things without bothering what other people would think. She do things she has never tried before. She starts to live and then she realize she has wasted her life for nothing.

One day you will feel the same. That's why it is important to live as you are living for the one last time. One day you will not be here to do things that you wanted to do in your whole life. live the life to the fullest. Veronika finally found the peace and the meaning of life. Did you???

Post Comment

It was not my Destiny.

I knew I have to choose one, either to live or die. Living as a half dead wouldn't do any better. So as any person who wants to runaway from problems I chose death over life. Though the problem I had looks really petty now, it looked really big by then. Being rejected from the man I love.

For me it was the end of the world. There was no hope, no aim, no dreams. My whole life was planned around him. He was the light to the darkness in my life. Motivation of my life. Every dream every aim were around him. When he left me suddenly I lost my world. But not only my life but the freedom of my soul. I was trapped in his memory. I spent days over days without eating, without sleeping, without talking to anyone. Just sitting on my bed and thinking how did everything go wrong. 

We had plans to get married, to have a home of our own near the lake. It was designed with three bed rooms including master bed room, one visiting room, one dining room, a big kitchen to me to cook all the food he love, a veranda that we can sit in the afternoon and have some coffee while watching the sun set. We dreamed about going on swimming at the mid night in full moon days when the whole world is in deep sleep. We had a dream to have kids. He is helping our son to fly a kit and I'm watching and laughing at them sitting at the veranda with our daughter.

Our relationship was very strong that no-one could ever imagine it would have ended this way. Every little thing was well planed and neat. But then nothing is certain in this world. We broke up. No solids reason but he wanted to leave me. Somehow he has lost his feelings for me. Maybe someone else was there maybe not, all I know is one day suddenly I found my self single. 

I couldn't take it any more, and I chose to put an end to this miserable life. A life which no-one has a value. I took my big sharp scissor and put the blade on my wrist. I knew it is painful to die that way but I had no other option. Dying method option. 

Now I know I was not destined to die that way on that day. It was not my destiny. Dying before grow old is not anyone's destiny. I see a big world now. I feel sorry for that girl who was back then when I look back sometimes. She was very weak and she didn't understand taking her own life because of she is afraid to face the life alone is not a bravery act but an act of a coward. Killing your self for someone who doesn't even bother to care you exist is completely in vain. Maybe that's why god decided I must not die on that day. The god wanted to show me the big world that awaits for me out side my cage. I was a bird inside a cage and once the cage's door was open I didn't know what to do. 

I closed my eyes and pushed the blade on my wrist and determined to cut the wrist at once when I heard my phone was ringing. For a moment I thought it must be he calling me, but it was her. My mom. 

"Hello honey, Are you alright?? " Those were my mom's first words. 

I still can't understand how did that happen but I'm grateful for that power whatever made my mother phones me. She said she heard my voice and I was asking for help.  That moment I understood that there are many people who love me and want to see me alive everyday. Not as a half dead but as a lovely daughter, a cheerful friend, an adorable sister, as a strong woman. My second life was much more fun that the previous one. I knew the value of life. I understood life is not giving to us to waste it on those who doesn't care but to use it for the happiness of them who love us. So don't be afraid if you fall, because life is like a boxing game. You don't lose when fall but when you refuse to get up.

P.S. Not a true story. :)

Post Comment

My only King

When I was crying

you console me

you were the hero

all the time in the past

now I'm looking for a new one

when you are still here...

But I'm the princess

still in your world

and I will always be..

You hold me first

i loved your warmth..

Now I'm looking for a new warmth

you loved me first

and made me feel loved so much

I'm begging for a new love

I'm the princess

still in your world

and I will always be..

I was the first in your heart

and I'm still the "Only One"

that place will always be mine

forever in lifetime...

You were my hero

Still you are..

Maybe not the only one..

But you will always be

the only King in my life..

Always.. 

Happy Birthday dad.. :) [19/11/2012]

Post Comment

~The End~

It seems like this is the end..
nothing more to wait for
you have pushed me away..
faraway..
nothing more to pray for
it seems the game is over
the game of love..

I tried my best
to fit into your world..
but something didn't work out..
you were there..
I was there..
but we weren't there..
there wasn't us..
anytime in history...
everything is over
it seems like this is the end..

I started living a half life
since the day you pushed me
away..
now I'm used to it
living as a missing piece..
no way to go
no place to fit in..
A missing piece from world..
It seems like this is the end..
The End for me...

Post Comment

~The Winner takes it all~

She never begged him.. She never cried.. But she always hope that he would stay. She loved him more than anything in this world.. He was the only thin left for her in this world.. He had a house.. She made a home from it.. He had a dream.. She made it a reality.. He wanted company.. She gave a companion.. He wanted affection.. She gave him love.. But at the end she couldn't make him stay.. 

She believe thing will work out.. Everytime when she cuddles in to his arms.. She believed he is going to stay.. 

Finally he walked out the door. He didn't look back to see her tears rolling down on the pale cheeks.. He didn't look back to see what he is going to loose.. He didn't look back to see the love that he is leaving behind.. He didn't look back to see the living corpse of hers.. He took her life with him.. The moment he walked out she died.. Her soul mixed up with the thin air.. She was nobody.. but he never noticed it..

He came back to her.. To tell her the good news in his life.. He came to shake her hand.. She wanted him to be happy. She gathered her strength.. wished him luck.. with all her heart.. 

She knew she was a fool.. She knew there are no more ace to play.. She had played all the cards.. Only history was there.. A beautiful history she prayed to be their future..

She understood this was a game.. She was the looser.. and Winner takes it all.. In this game winning was everything.. Looser must fall.. Winner stands strong.. 

I don't wanna talk about things we've gone through,
Though it's hurting me, now it's history.
I've played all my cards and that's what you've done too,
Nothing more to say, no more ace to play.
The winner takes it all,
The loser standing small beside the victory, that's her destiny.

I was in your arms thinking I belonged there,
I figured it made sense, building me a fence,
Building me a home, thinking I'd be strong there,
But I was a fool, playing by the rules.
The gods may throw a dice, their minds as cold as ice, 
And someone way down here loses someone dear.

The winner takes it all, the loser has to fall,
It's simple and it's plain, why should I complain.

But tell me, does she kiss like I used to kiss you,
Does it feel the same when she calls your name.
Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you,
But what can I say, rules must be obeyed.
The judges will decide the likes of me abide,
Spectators of the show always staying low.

The game is on again, a lover or a friend,
A big thing or a small, the winner takes it all.

I don't wanna talk if it makes you feel sad,
And I understand you've come to shake my hand.
I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense, no self confidence.

P.S This is a song that I really love.. It has such a deep meaning and also a huge love hidden within it. Performed by ABBA. 

Post Comment

Quotes

"Loving you is the worst mistake I have ever made in my life, but it is the only mistake that I'm not afraid to repeat or I never regret. "
~Red Riding Hood~

Post Comment

Ricky said ''Nobody wants to be lonely''

Nobody wants to be lonely.. Nobody wants to cry..

Ricky Martin and Christina were screaming in the radio. Is that really true?? Nobody wants to be lonely?

yeah that is true. But sometimes there can be some who likes to be alone. It is not loneliness but enjoying the moment. 

Everyone, actually not everyone but most of people I know tell that they want someone to care about them, someone to talk, someone spend time with. I know the feeling. Because sometimes in my past I have felt the same way. but can we really find someone like that?? I don't think so. 

We can't simply ask from someone to care for us, can we? We can't ask them to be with us. But there are things that we can do..

Follow the mirror rule.. 

Now what is the mirror rule?? It is simple.. Mirror will never smile with you unless you smile with it first. So smile with the mirror and mirror will smile back.

If you need someone to care about you then start caring about others. If you want someone to spend time with then start spending time with others. You can't find one unless you are going to be with a hundred. Yes.. First you have to be with hundred to find a one to spend time. And then to find the "Right One" you have to spend time with thousands of people. That is the way it is. No-one will come to you until you are going towards them. If you want somebody in your life then you have to take a chance with the world.

Expose to the world. Stop merely existing and start living your life. 

Talk to yourself.

This is what I do most of times. I talk to myself. [yeah I do.. any problem? ;)] I know it sounds crazy. but trust me it helps to understand your inner side. It helps to understand what you really want in your life. Or you can talk to imaginary friends. I have lot of imaginary friends. 

Books

This is one of the best thing to do. Read books. If there are books then I can spend years without talking to anyone. :)

In these days also I rarely talk to anyone or log in to fb/blog because I bought books from book fair recently. Time is so interesting and I don't think anyone can be alone when all the characters in a book comes to live. 

But the most important thing is no-one can find the one for you. you have to find that one or the way to get rid from loneliness. 

Cheers!!

P.S :- Talk to yourself only when you are alone, otherwise you will get shifted to a mental hospital.

Listen to the song as well.. 

Post Comment